The Holidays are upon us once again, and I should be happy.
Truth be told, the last ten years have often been enshrouded in sadness. Now being ten years of holidays without my mom, and now nearly half that time without my dad. Even though my current place should feel like a good one. My mind still knows they are both gone, and it makes the holidays a little bit harder to celebrate.
I recently came across an old band picture from 30 years ago, and was reminded immediately that one of the members had passed away last year. I found out about it after the fact, but we were friends online, and I knew he was going through some health problems. When I saw his name show up, it immediately triggered the same feelings of sorrow I felt for my mother in her final days. Seeing a final picture of him in a hospice situation was more than I could take.
I woke up the next morning alone on a mountain, and realized I was tired of feeling so uphappy.
When I go on my daily walks, I'm usually spending that time thinking about why I'm so sad, and not about why I should feel happy. Life comes with its share of challenges and setbacks, and it's easy to dwell on matters such as failure and loss. Taking pleasure in positive moments or accomplishments seems trival at best when compared to morbid or tragic memories. The bitter and the sweet should counter each other to balance things out, yet I was raised to only focus on the negatives, whether I could do anything to correct them or not.
And so these feelings never got sorted out, they just followed me around to point out all of the wrong that can't be righted. There's no resolution other than to feel sad, or feel numb... with the latter often served on the rocks.
My family never talked about anything of real substance growing up. We were left to mostly find our way, answer whatever questions we may have had growing up, and then never asked for anything once we were out of the house. Holidays were usually pleasant, however, as we would spend an afternoon over dinners, exchanging in our usual light-hearted conversations. Once that was gone, a giant void took its place, and never totally went away.
I do realize the last thing they would have wanted would be for any of to hang onto such dark feelings of sadness. They would rather prefer us to remember them fondly, and obviously miss them from time to time. It's long overdue time that I come down from this mountain of sorrow, and try to fully embrace the joy that has been waiting for me all these years.
